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Andy Zaltzman
Andy "Iron Dog" Zaltzman renowned for his pioneering work on the WILDLY popular podcast The Bugle with friend and collaborator John Oliver. He looks, according to some fans, "like the love child of Harpo Marx and Krusty the Klown." Andy watches the news from typcial Euro Cretin perspective in London, while John keeps tabs on the NYC political circle jerks in New York, and once a week they come together to create The Bugle from the help of a magical telecomunicationary device known as the telephone. Among Andy’s notable contribution to the Bugle are: the irregular Bugle Blog, the late, lamented Audio Cryptic Crossword, and perhaps his greatest strength; lying. Education and Early Life As a child Andy attended the Tonbridge Boarding School for the Exceptionally Exceptional (this of course relating to his penis size), then attended Oxford University where he studied the Classics and had the post of sports editor for The Oxford Student newspaper. Andy himself, has stated that this expensive education was an unequivocal waste of money, as evident upon looking at his work on the Bugle. After graduating from Oxford, Andy spent a two years as the chairman of the European Guild of Miming until the mimes found out that his mime was on the same level as his Jewishness, (very, very bad). Apparently he was vastly unable to translate his trademark brand of satirical lies to a non-verbal medium, and is allergic to white face-paint. The mutinous mutes attempted to lynch Zaltzman, but luckily for Andy the mimes attempted to use their invisible ropes to do it... and needless to say they failed. So they instead sentenced him to an exile from mimedom and none of them will speak to him to this day. Zaltzman once came to international attention when he attended the final of the Swansea scrabble tournemant. Commentators described his spectating style as a "laid back, intelligent style of watching" and he was particularly praised for not losing his cool when the umpire allowed the word "jaffacake" to stand despite the collection of letters blatantly violating every rule in the book, and considering the regrettable role of said popular snack in the future death by choking of his long lost brother Gareth Zaltzman. Gareth Zaltzman met Andy the day before the tragic events where madmen Nils Olav and Ralph Paoli, disguised as a penguin pretending to be Charles Dickens and the Island of Corsica respectively, distracted him with a plate of jaffa cakes whilest continually shoving Skittles down his throat until the twitching stopped. He currently works nine-to-five in a joke mine outside south London. Career Zaltzman is known for his work with fellow pod-führer John Oliver on such projects as The Department and Political Animal (both on BBC radio 4). He has also been featured on BBC radio 4’s The Now Show and The News Quiz, as well as BBC4’s Never Mind the Full Stops and The Late Edition. Zaltzman has also appeared in major festivals such as Edinburgh Fringe and Melbourne International Comedy Festival, at which he was presented the prestigious “piece of wood” award in 2007 by his fellow comedians. Andy has recently branched out to become an author as well, writing the Bugle Column for the Times of London Newspaper, and has penned the book Does Anything Eat Bankers?: and 53 Other Indispensable Questions for the Credit Crunched. Andy's reason for taking up the guise of an author seems to be an effort to make up for all his children's milk money that he looses betting on snooker and playing online video-Roulette (which he refuses to acknowledge was a scam). His career highlight was, however, the composition of his latest symphony, entitled "Get down there and suck my bin with the hip-hop beats (Impalas are a bunch of bitches)" Zaltzman is a part time evil genius under the nam the zaltz-man ( with emphisis on the man or it gives his identity away). His evil plans included painfully destoying the worlds eardrums and conrrolling minds of;idiots; by creating mika the worlds first Controled UNit of Terror(c.u.n.t). Every saturday he turns Bugle HQ into a builiding for flamboyant genocide and letters begging for him too be the new bond villians. after the rejection Andy killed Daniel Craig and replaced him with an evil robot; actor that will keep; Britain glued to the screen while he releases nuclear gas from his arse. Official Titles Over his lifetime, Andy has accumulated a fair number of titles. Here are a few of the most official ones (note that Andy may have given himself a few and so the officialness of said titles may be slightly diminished). *'Emperor of ALL the Europes' *'Knower of Sport' *'Commodore of Puns' (has subsequently been promoted to Vice-Admiral) *'Most Likely to Choke to Death Eating Sausage' *'Bad Jew' *'Public Enemy Number 3.243 '''by the Bin-Impala Confederacy *'European Buffalo-Cheese Eating Champion: 2002, 2003, 2004, 2006, 2007, 2008''' - (NOTE: The 2008 title has been temporarily suspended after he was tested positive for taking the Cheese Eating enhancing drug lactoease. Zaltzman claims it was in his blood stream as the drug occurs naturally in all puns. The EBCECF is still investigating the matter.) *'Undefeated Russian Roulette and Table Tennis Combined Champion, 2007, 2008' * Anti-ex-convict googlie provider of Ashes finals *'2nd Place in Plymouths 14th Annual Andy Zaltzman Look A Like competition & joint 3rd in their Actually Being Andy Zaltzman, No We Really Do Mean It This Time Could Andy Zaltzman Please Make His Way To The Information Desk Where His Wife Is Waiting Contest '(The later title remains both controversial and confusing given Andy’s joint role of both creator and judge of the competition and his resulting metaphysical crisis resulting in his awarding 1st prize to a Ms Alice Felton, 42, as he remains convinced that she actually is him as well. When asked to comment on the decision Andy replied "well, yes, we were disappointed with the result but I think that overall the lads played well and y'know, there's still 8 matches before the end of the season so I don't think that relegation's on anyone’s mind just yet.) *'Worlds First Person To Have His Mouth Transplanted With; A Bull's Arse '(At the age of 5 after a serious car accident on a farm he lost his mouth. Doctors then look for the thing that was; most like it; on the farm) *'kosher magazines worst dressed jew currently living outside of isreal just beating david baddiel and jesus (yes he's a jew).' Conspiracies and Controversies Nabokov Controversy In 1805, the Lewis and Clarke expedition landed at the Pacific Ocean. Interestingly and somewhat suspiciously, one hundred and fifty years or so later (in fact, one hundred and fifty years later exactly), Andy's life and career became embroiled in controversy when it was revealed that the Communist author and baby eater Vladimir Nabokov had based his character Humbert Humbert - the protagonist of his novel "Lolita" - on Mr. Zaltzman. In a candid interview with "The Daily Paranoid" upon publishing the novel, the author revealed, "These rumours are true. The one known as the "Bad Jew" by some, "Zaltzmanator" by others, and "Andy" to no one has been my inspiration for this novel." Luckily for Andy, it was later revealed to be a spiritual, and not literal inspiration, by Laurence Sterne, a confidant of Vladimir Nabokov's (this in itself an interesting relationship, as Sterne - the author of such impenetrable and pointless works as "Tristam Shandy" - had passed away 131 years before Nabokov was born). Speaking somewhat paradoxically in 1760, he said of Zaltzman and Humbert, "An interesting one. It wasn't the acts of Zaltzman that Vlad took as inspiration, it was rather the fact that he had a disgusting obsession". When pressed upon what this obsession may be, Sterne looked aghast at his interviewer before collapsing dead on the floor - though it strangely took the authorities eight years to confirm him dead, as they thought he was digressing somewhat ostentatiously. It is thought that this "disgusting obsession" Sterne talks of is of course the dotage Andy heaps upon Florence Nightingale. In an interesting piece of trivia, Florence Nightingale wasn't involved whatsoever in the Lewis and Clarke expedition. Oddly enough several years later, a printing error in Stan Man, What a Plan! the groundbreaking biography of Stanley Kubrick, famous director of the film adatption of Lolita, as well as Spartacus, Dr. Strangelove, and The Shinning, by Arthur Fitzgerald, which incorrectly credited a dream Andy once had as the inspiration for the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey. While Mr. Zaltzman did in fact have a dream once that followed the sequence shot for shot exactly, Mr. Kubrick was unaware of this fact until the project was well into post-production. The brief but violent uproar against Andy by diehard Kubrick fans which followed, is perhaps the only riot connected to Mr. Zaltzman, of which there are many, for which he wasn't actually responcible. Australian Citizenship Controversy The people of Australia are reportedly seeking a paternity test to see if Andy is in actuality a citizen of an English speaking island nation associated with an accent that American's find funny other then England. Australia claims that the UK is committing a human rights violation by keeping the pale, Jewish comedian from roaming free in the sun drenched Outback. New Zealand, another English speaking island nation associated with an accent that American's find funny other then England (who is also not recognized by my spell checker), are trying to claim John Oliver on the grounds that by law he has to stay one and only one ocean from Andy. They were sadly outbid by India, who not only are part of a continent, much like John's current home, but also is mostly English speaking due to outsourcing and something to do with a flag and pith helmets. In a statement today, one senile British person had this to say, "Its about time we send someone down to rekindle a little of that old Empire spirit, here here!" (Michaelthezombie 15:36, October 14, 2009 (UTC)) See Also *Andy's Bin *Impala Armed Forces *Sport Cupboard Inhabiting Skeletons Here are some interesting facts not widely known about Mr. Zaltzman: *Andy is in fact Jewish. *American singer-songwriter Ben Folds recently stated that his song 'Effington' (from 2008's 'Way To Normal') was inspired by Andy's book. He said he "picked up the book for a... cent on Amazon.com", and he felt the book "was so full of bullshit wordplays, a song written around a pun on a funny townname would be original in comparison." Zaltzman later paraphased Folds' tune 'Bitch Went Nuts' when he "called him a c**t." *Andy has never been to Russia, it's only girls he's overthrown. *He's never met a communist in his living room at home *And he's never read Das Capital deep into the night. *But he'll always know his left side from his right. *Andy spent some time as a Private Eye from the 1920's, but is only able to penetrate the psychological barriers he unconsciously placed around those memories, when he attempts to speak with an American accent. *Andy is famed for his brief spell in Hollyoaks where he played Resident Rent Boy Isaac *Andy started life as an unused character from Little Britain series 3, to be played by Matt Lucas. *After being falsely identified as ferret smuggler in 1997, the FBI since has kept tabs on Zaltzman. Andy stubbornly refuses to acknowledge that FBI doesn't stand for "Former Backgammon Instigator," so no real harm done *Andy has been unable to shake the rumours the he is fact Lord Lucan. *Andy is one of the most successful harvesters of John Oliver, and has earned almost 3£ in his almost four centuries doing so. *Andy has recently seen fit to make a fan page on Facebook. As of this writing he has 32 "fans". No one knows if these people genuinely admire the Krusty the Clown look-alike, or are just trying to pick up dates. *Andy spent a gap year from university in a Philip Roth novel. *Andy is standing behind you, no don't look, you'll startle him. *Andy's hair was once used as a special effect in an early episode of Dr Who. *Andy has more money than Queen, Prince, the Queen and the Prince of Wales combined but can't remember under which of his many mattresses he hid it. *On May 20th 2009 , Andy was killed in a Nuclear blast while trying to destroy a asteroid just outside the earths atmosphere after his sucess he was ignored and replaced with Bruce Willis. *Andy Zaltzman does not exist. *Andy Zaltzman is the question. What is the answer? *13 arrests, no convictions. Its the second part that counts. *Andy Zaltzman once had a successful career as a hair salesman, selling his own growth. *Andy Zaltzman is a communist. *Andy was created by mating five political activists with five clowns then after birth only the one that could talk the most bullshit got to live. As a child he was encouraged to be political when his adoptive parents said "do you want food;" when he replied "yes" they said "not until you finish your thousand word essay on economic crisis." Note: for more ambiguous facts regarding Mr. Zaltzman, see also the Misinformation Sub-Page: Andy Zaltzman, or the other sections of the Andy Zaltzman Memorial Misinformation Page Sources In a testament to Mr. Zaltzman, much of this article has been stolen from Wikipedia, and the rest is a combination of fantastical assumption and lies. Category:People Category:Andy Zaltzman